Prologue…

PicsArt_12-19-04.26.55Now, I know what some of you might be thinking when you see the title of this post.  The “prologue” is usually at the beginning of the book.  But I personally think this might be a good place to share the “backstory”.  And hopefully, if I’ve done a good job in the first five entries, you’ll be interested enough to actually read the prologue rather than skipping over it as can often happen.

As I stated in my first post, this journey began long before either of us realized it. That’s how heart disease works.  It’s like the fable of the boiling frog – a frog is put in tepid water which is slowly heated until it’s boiling.  Because the slight temperature change happens slowly, the frog doesn’t realize the danger until it’s too late.  That’s why heart disease is called a “silent killer”.  It builds up over a period of time, a lot of times with no visible symptoms – until it’s too late.  You might get a few subtle “clues” that something is going on – a little shortness of breath, maybe a little tiredness, etc – that can easily be attributed to things like the heat, getting older, etc.   Not everyone experiences the same symptoms.  Harold’s shortness of breath could be someone else’s chest pain.

His symptoms did not appear overnight – he just began to notice them more.  And his blockages did not form overnight – they were years in the making.  Several things can increase your chance of having some type of heart disease:

  • Smoking – Harold smoked for about 30 years before finally quitting in 2011.
  • High Blood Cholesterol – only recently had his been slightly elevated
  • High Blood Pressure – again, only recently had his been elevated
  • Physical Inactivity – he tried to exercise with me, but it was hard on him.  This could have been an indication that he wasn’t getting enough circulation.
  • Diabetes – thankfully he had never had a problem with this.  Even right after surgery his levels were good instead of being elevated as can be the case.  However, it does run in his family
  • Advancing Age – he just turned 64.  While 64 is certainly not “old”, as you age your risk increases
  • Being Male – uh yeah I think that one is a match
  • Excess weight – check.  And, most of his excess weight had formed around his midsection.  This is a dangerous place to gain it as it’s location is close to many vital organs and can increase the risk of certain health complications such as diabetes and heart disease.
  • Family  History – his dad had three bypasses and his paternal grandmother died of a massive heart attack in her forties.  His mom had a pacemaker when in her mid fifties.
  • Frequent Stress – While he enjoys the interaction with the customers and his personality is a perfect fit for working biker events, I think that some of his work related traveling may have been more stressful than we really thought it would be.  The long hours on his feet, rushing to get flights, etc. really wore on him the later into the year and the more events he worked.  And forget about eating right.  While most people love to eat out, eventually it gets old – especially when you aren’t the one deciding where to eat.

I could probably continue to flood you with statistics, but there’s a good chance that you would stop reading at this point.  My goal is not to “preach” at you – just show you that Harold was “ripe” for what his body was going through.  As I said at the beginning – his “symptoms” didn’t appear overnight – we just didn’t notice them.  His body tried to alert him, but it wasn’t until his shortness of breath was occurring after routine tasks (taking out the trash) that it became glaringly clear something was wrong.  Even some occasional “lightheadedness” wasn’t enough to trigger an alarm.  I guess that what I am trying to communicate is to listen to your body and what it is trying to tell you.  And, that while there are some risk factors you cannot control, (family history, age, etc) there are certainly things you can do to fight against many of these risk factors (diet, exercise, monitoring/controlling high blood pressure/cholesterol).  Finally, just because Harold has already gone through a quadruple bypass, it doesn’t mean he can continue to ignore those factors that he is able to change (diet, exercise, etc).  There is still a risk that he could have a heart attack.  But as he often says, he didn’t have someone put their hand in his chest for nothing.  It was a wake up call which has been and will continue to be a game changer for us.

An Anniversary to Remember…

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We now have two things to celebrate on October 3rd.  See, it’s not just the day that he would undergo major heart surgery, it’s also our wedding anniversary (this was our fourth).  When we found out on October 1st that surgery was necessary, we had hoped it wouldn’t be scheduled for the 3rd.  When it was, needless to say we were a little disappointed (okay, maybe more than a little).  Instead of going to the beach to watch the sunrise together, I would be spending the morning in the hospital waiting room while he spent the morning having a quadruple bypass.  Instead of celebrating with a nice meal, I would be eating a “wonderful” (insert a good dose of sarcasm) hamburger in the hospital cafeteria while his only meal consisted of ice chips and only ice chips.

But, we had a choice – be upset that the surgery was scheduled on our anniversary or, as I said earlier, choose to celebrate that day as an additional occasion that involved the heart.  Of course we chose the latter.  There will be countless opportunities to watch a sunrise.  There will be other opportunities to celebrate with a meal out .  However, without the surgery, those opportunities could disappear in a moment should he suffer a heart attack or stroke.

The surgery was the first one scheduled which meant a very early morning.  He would most likely be heading to pre-op between 6 and 6:30 am,  so I left the house at 3:45 and arrived at 4:30.  I wanted as much time as possible with him before the surgery.  The nurses let me in early and even waited to let me wake him up before they took his vitals, etc.  The kids arrived around 5 am to have time with their dad as well as wait with me during the surgeryAfter walking alongside him as far as we could as they wheeled him to the surgical unit, we continued on to the waiting room.  As is usually the case these days, we were given a number that allowed us to watch on a monitor the progress of the surgery.  When we first got there, he was listed as being in “holding” (which made me think of a holding cell at a police department).  We kept waiting for it to change to “pre-op” as others had – but it didn’t.  Of course that caused my mind to think of all kinds of different scenarios (those darn “what ifs”) .  Finally, at 8:15, it went straight to “procedure” (insert BIG sigh of relief).

We were told that the surgical nurse would come talk to us and that the surgery was slated for 300+ minutes (just over FIVE hours).  Around 9:30, the surgical nurse came out to tell us that they had started the first bypass and she would let us know when the surgery was finished, which should be another couple of hours.  About an hour later, while I was walking to the bathroom, she passed me in the hall – but didn’t really make eye contact.  Of course that started setting off alarms in my head.  I first tried to rationalize that perhaps she was talking to another family but then I reasoned that since she was the surgical nurse, his was probably the only one she was involved in.  When I got back to the waiting area, my heart about stopped when I saw her sitting with the kids.  It was about an hour earlier than I had anticipated the surgery being done, so I immediately started to worry (surprise surprise) that something had gone wrong.  But no, she was there to tell us that the surgery was wrapping up and that everything had gone well.  She took us back to the surgical recovery unit where he would be once the surgery was complete and went over what to expect (breathing tube, etc).  Shortly afterwards, the surgeon came out to let us know the surgery was complete, went well and they were just waiting on a chest x-ray before releasing him to recovery.  It was going to take a long time to get the smile off my face.

When we were taken back to see him, my relief (and subsequent adrenaline rush) replaced any worries and any fears that I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing him with the tubes, etc (as I mentioned in a prior post, I am extremely “squeamish”).  He was asleep and yes, I had to avert my eyes from the tubes, but just to be able to touch his face and tell him I loved him was enough at that point.  Since it would be a few hours before I could see him again we went to get that “wonderful lunch” I had mentioned earlier before the kids headed home.  Afterwards, I hung out in one of the waiting rooms, kept company by a wonderful friend who had been there for me since that morning.  Once the breathing tube was removed and he was awake, I got to see him, talk to him and even feed him those aforementioned ice chips.  I knew he was doing well when he asked if he could have his phone.  The next visitation time was another three hours away so instead of waiting, I headed home and ate an “anniversary dinner” by myself consisting of cookies and candy.  The “storm” was starting to let up but was by no means over.

In the Eye of the Storm…

I am a born and raised Floridian (yes I am a rare breed). This means I have experienced my shar  of hurricanes. The strongest part of the storm is preceded by the outer rain bands. I believe those rain bands are a good analogy of the first heart catheterization – a foreshadowing that there was a much stronger storm ahead.

Monday October 1st found us on our way to Flagler hospital in St Augustine for the second and more extensive heart catheterization. Thankfully, a friend had offered to drive – we definitely didn’t want a repeat of the flat tire incident. Once Harold was wheeled back for the procedure, we grabbed a quick lunch and went back to the room, expecting to wait awhile. However it wasn’t much longer that he was brought back to the room. Shortly after the doctor started the procedure he could tell that stents were not an option. And, not only was surgery the next step, it was going to be a quadruple bypass. I think the “storm” was about to make landfall.

There’s a song called “In the Eye of the Storm” by Ryan Stephenson. The chorus is:

In the eye of the storm (yeah, yeah)
You remain in control (yes you do, Lord)
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me (Your love surrounds me)
In the eye of the storm (in the eye of the storm)

If it had not been for my choice to hold onto my faith and cling to the peace I had been promised, the “storm” could have carried me away – not unlike the storm surge that can be a deadly part of a hurricane. I didn’t “freak out” at the prospect of surgery – even one as major as this. Did I have questions – definitely. Have they all been answered yet – nope. Did I have concerns – oh yeah. The “finance factor” (medical bills, time off work, etc) alone was a major concern. I still didn’t know how I was going to handle having to change dressings, etc if needed. I was even concerned how we were going to handle our 18 year old cat who’s nightly routine involves laying on Harold’s chest and burying her head in it. But amidst all the questions, concerns, etc – there was peace. There was a calm among the chaos.

For insurance purposes, and to allow the doctors to run all the necessary tests needed prior to surgery, Harold would not be going home that day. In fact, he would not be going home until five- seven days after the surgery which was scheduled for two days later. I told myself to think of it as just another business trip as I prepared to spend the next week “home alone”.

Tuesday was a day of preparation – for both of us. For him, it meant lots of tests. For me it meant trying to take care of things like cancelling appointments, finding someone to check in on the cats while I was at the hospital and even making sure the trash was out before heading to the hospital. For both of us, it meant trying to get as informed as possible for what lay ahead. Thankfully the surgical nurse came in and shared a lot of info as to what to expect both during and after surgery (not so easy for this “squeamish” girl). Side note: when she came into the room, she asked “so who’s here for the sex change”. Without hesitation Harold responded that it must be him since they had shaved his legs. When told that patients were normally released five to seven days after surgery, my “over-achiever” said he was shooting for three.

img_20181002_1858266331302527455613391010.jpg Before I left, his Human Resource supervisor, who lives in St Augustine, brought by a “care package”. Too bad he only got to enjoy a few items before his midnight fasting deadline. And, since I had to take everything home as he most likely end up in a different room after the surgery, guess what my dinner was.

Truth be told, part of me wanted to stay the night, to spend as much time as I could with him. But, he needed his rest and there were three little kitties waiting for me. Since he was scheduled to be the first surgery, it was going to be an early morning for both of us. So, with hesitation, I made the drive home – a drive that would be my daily ritual until he was released.

Faith – the Bridge Between Fear and Peace

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In my last post, I stated that the first of the flood of emotions that washed over me as we waited for the second/more extensive heart cath was fear.  Thankfully, we had scheduled a meeting with our pastor before our first appointment with the cardiologist (again – that perfect timing).  I was able to talk through some of what was going through my head.  Of course there was the fear of Harold having to have open heart surgery.  And with that came the fear of all the medical expenses (even if he just had stents done it was not going to be cheap).  And of course, there was the length of time he would be out of work.  We had just gotten to the point that we could pay all our bills every month without having to “play catch up”.  But, we have an incredible support system with our Salty Church family and we weren’t going to end up homeless, hungry etc.  Already our grass was being mowed as needed (very important in order to keep from receiving a lovely “notice” from the city’s code enforcement department).  More importantly, my husband’s health/life is PRICELESS.  There was even the fear of not being able to adequately take care of him afterwards – I am very “squeamish” and the thought of having to change dressings, etc was a very scary one.  Even listening to Harold talk about the surgery process made me cover my ears and sing “la la la”.

However, over the weekend I felt God was telling me that something incredible was going to come out of all this.  And, I kept hearing one simple word – “peace”.  But, I had to make a choice: cling to my faith and be willing to trust Him no matter the outcome or, let fear and the “what ifs” take over.  I am currently in the middle of a study of the classic book  Hinds’ Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard with my ladies life group.  If you are not familiar with it, the main character is named “Much-Afraid” which describes her perfectly.  She comes from the family of “Fearlings” who try to keep her from completing her journey to the High Places.  At least twice in the book (chapters 10 and 11), it accurately depicts the struggle I have with the “what ifs”:

“From bitter experience she knew that pictures thrown on the screen of her imagination could seem much more unnerving and terrible than the actual facts”. (Chapter 10)

“Then He continued, ‘Much-Afraid, don’t ever allow yourself to begin trying to picture what it will be like.  Believe me, when you get to the places which you dread you will find that they are as different as possible from what you have imagined, just as was the case when you were actually ascending the precipice.  I must warn you that I see your enemies lurking among the trees ahead, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling and agony, where no fear is.'” (Chapter 11)

And so, even though it was contrary to my normal reaction, I chose to hold onto that promise of peace and not let the “what ifs” win.  Different scriptures came to mind regarding peace and that is what I clung to.  And, as promised, that wave of “fear” was replaced by “peace” – a peace that is accurately described as “the peace that passes all understanding”. (Philippians 4:7).  And somewhere – either in a devotion, a sermon, or some other book, I saw/heard: “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in You” Isaiah 26:3 ESV.

So there it was -that faith that bridged the gap between fear and peace.

 

 

A Storm on the Horizon…

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Photo by Pok Rie on Pexels.com

As I mentioned in the last post, we were not so patiently waiting for the appointment with the cardiologist scheduled for September 18th.  Harold was scheduled for a trip to Maryland – leaving on the 12th and returning on the 17th.  We were already apprehensive about this trip due to the difficulties he had experienced on the previous one.

In addition, Hurricane Florence began making her way to the East coast.  Her path was uncertain, but as the days passed she continued to strengthen and was projected to arrive the same weekend as the event in Maryland.  Even if that area did not take a direct hit, we were concerned that once up there, he may not be able to fly home – which would mean missing the appointment with the cardiologist.  This became more of a concern when she was predicted to make landfall somewhere at the North Carolina / South Carolina coast as his connecting flight was in Charlotte, NC.  We kept checking the event website, hoping and praying that it would be canceled.  On Tuesday morning, the day before he was scheduled to fly out, he was told that he would not be flying up for the event due to the storm.  Needless to say, there was a very big sigh of relief.  What we didn’t know at that time was that there was yet another storm on the horizon – only it wasn’t of the meteorological type.

Finally – it was THE day we had been waiting for.  We saw Dr. Grech at First Coast Heart & Vascular Center.  He told us that with Harold’s symptoms, his age and his family history (his dad had had three different bypass surgeries, his paternal grandmother died of a heart attack in her forties and his mother had a pacemaker), there was a 84% chance of a blockage.  There was also concern that with his frequent traveling, a blood clot could have formed.  We left the office with orders for lab work to rule out a clot (requested “stat”), prescriptions for blood pressure medicine and nitroglycerin, an appointment for an echo-cardiogram and orders for a heart cath.  This time things moved much quicker.  The very next day they called to make the appointment for the heart cath – on September 27th (he just “happened” to have the 27th and 28th off). Later that afternoon the doctor called to say the lab work showed no signs of a clot.  Again, we were in the “waiting mode”, but this time it was only for a week.

The morning of the 27th we needed to be in Jacksonville at 6 am.  Being approximately an hour away, we left the house around 4:45 – giving us a little “wiggle room”.  We would never have imagined that we were going to need each moment of that extra time.  Just outside of St. Augustine, we heard a “pop” sound and seconds later it was evident we had a flat tire.  At this time we were in the middle lane with a car to our left and a semi to our right.  Thankfully we were able to get to the side of the road.  And, thankfully it was on the passenger side so that when he was changing the tire, he was away from traffic.  Not only that, but it was at the last lighted section of the highway for quite a while.  Again – we don’t believe in “co-incidences” – we believe that God’s hand was on this.  The whole time he was changing the tire, I sat in the car – alternating from praying to checking the estimated time of arrival to the cath lab.  I tried holding back tears because honestly, I was SCARED.  It was very windy and with each passing vehicle I could feel the car move.  In addition, I could see from the side view mirror that Harold was having difficulty getting the old tire off the car and I was truly worried that it would exacerbate his problems.  When he finally got into the car, I could tell that it had taken a toll on him, but as usual, he said he was fine.  That little “wiggle room” was the exact amount of time we needed as we arrived at the lab at exactly 6 am.

When he returned to the room after the procedure, I asked him if they found anything.  His answer: “there are a few issues but I will let the doctor talk to you so I don’t get anything wrong” (which of course made me tremble inside).  When she came in, she said there were at least two blockages and she wasn’t sure if a stent would be a solution, or, because of the location of one, he would need surgery.  He was going to need a more extensive heart cath, which was scheduled for the following Monday.  If it turned out that stents would be work, the doctor would do them at that time. We were also told that even if all he felt was shortness of breath to take the nitro – that different people experienced different symptoms and his shortness of breath could be the equivalent of someone else’s chest pain.  So once again, we were in a period of “waiting” – but this time it was only for a few days.  During that “waiting” period a flood of emotions washed over me – the first of which was fear.

The “storm” continued to brew and strengthen, but once again, God showed His perfect timing and provision…and turned that fear into peace.

When I began to walk this journey…

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I know the date that my part of this journey began – but the truth is that it had started long before either of us realized…

On Monday August 20th, my husband Harold went outside to mow the small strip of grass on the side of the house.  He came in afterwards saying he was “done” – and not just because he had finished it.  He had gotten out of breath  shortly after starting – but stubbornly pushed through it to finish (if you know my husband, then that doesn’t surprise you).  We attributed it to the Florida heat – August being the hottest month of the year.

The following morning he went to take the trash and recycle to the curb.  As he was getting ready to leave for work, he asked for the phone number for our family doctor.  When I asked why, he told me that just taking the trash to the curb caused him to be out of breath.  I told him to be sure to tell them “shortness of breath” so they would get him in that day, and they did.  This set off a chain of events that I never expected.

He left that day with orders for lab work to rule out an infection, and waiting for referrals for both a chest x-ray and an appointment with a cardiologist.  The lab work – that was the easy part.  The waiting for the referrals – not so much.  Two days later – no calls setting up either appointment.  He called the Dr.’s office and was told to wait until Tuesday and call back if he didn’t hear anything.  The problem with that – he was leaving Wednesday morning for a work trip to Milwaukee.  Tuesday morning arrived and still no calls.  Finally that afternoon they set up the chest x-ray for the day after he returned home, yet still no appointment with a cardiologist.  It wasn’t until that Thursday, August 30th, that he finally had an appointment set…but not until Sept 18th – four weeks from the date of his initial visit to our family doctor.

Frustrating? Most definitely.  Surprising?  Not really when you factor in all the hoops that must be jumped through when it comes to the medical field, health insurance, etc.  However, that “frustration”  would eventually turn not only into “understanding” but also “gratitude”.  But I won’t jump that far ahead yet…

When he left for Milwaukee, I made sure one of the other employees had my cell phone number and that he told them he was having some “problems” so they could keep an eye on him.  During the trip he was starting to “notice” the shortness of breath a little more – having a hard time at the airport, keeping up with the others on their way to eat, etc.  During his flight home, the first flight was delayed long enough to make me worry that trying to rush to the connecting flight would be too hard on him.  Thankfully the connecting flight was also delayed (which we know was not a “mere coincidence”).  The wait for his flight to arrive was hard – I was checking his flight status every few minutes (thankfully that particular airline has an app that enabled me to track the flights) and it wasn’t until he walked through the gate and I could hug him (very tightly) that I was able to relax, at least for a little while.

About this same time we started monitoring his blood pressure which would fluctuate daily.  Up until this point, he had never had a high blood pressure issue.  All of this made the appointment with the cardiologist that much more important and it seemed like it might never get here.  For me – it was if I was holding my breath – praying that nothing would happen until that appointment…

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The journey begins…

Thanks for joining me on this amazing “heart-filled” journey.  It’s all about “the heart” – the heart of love between my husband and I, the blood-pumping heart muscle that sustains life with each beat, the heart of so many people who are walking alongside us, and most importantly – the heart of a loving, amazing and powerful God.  Would we have chosen to walk this particular path – it’s a pretty sure bet that the answer would be no.  But I can honestly say that while it’s a journey we didn’t plan for nor ask for, it’s one we will look back on in amazement and even with gratitude.

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Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton