In my last post, I stated that the first of the flood of emotions that washed over me as we waited for the second/more extensive heart cath was fear.  Thankfully, we had scheduled a meeting with our pastor before our first appointment with the cardiologist (again – that perfect timing).  I was able to talk through some of what was going through my head.  Of course there was the fear of Harold having to have open heart surgery.  And with that came the fear of all the medical expenses (even if he just had stents done it was not going to be cheap).  And of course, there was the length of time he would be out of work.  We had just gotten to the point that we could pay all our bills every month without having to “play catch up”.  But, we have an incredible support system with our Salty Church family and we weren’t going to end up homeless, hungry etc.  Already our grass was being mowed as needed (very important in order to keep from receiving a lovely “notice” from the city’s code enforcement department).  More importantly, my husband’s health/life is PRICELESS.  There was even the fear of not being able to adequately take care of him afterwards – I am very “squeamish” and the thought of having to change dressings, etc was a very scary one.  Even listening to Harold talk about the surgery process made me cover my ears and sing “la la la”.

However, over the weekend I felt God was telling me that something incredible was going to come out of all this.  And, I kept hearing one simple word – “peace”.  But, I had to make a choice: cling to my faith and be willing to trust Him no matter the outcome or, let fear and the “what ifs” take over.  I am currently in the middle of a study of the classic book  Hinds’ Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard with my ladies life group.  If you are not familiar with it, the main character is named “Much-Afraid” which describes her perfectly.  She comes from the family of “Fearlings” who try to keep her from completing her journey to the High Places.  At least twice in the book (chapters 10 and 11), it accurately depicts the struggle I have with the “what ifs”:

“From bitter experience she knew that pictures thrown on the screen of her imagination could seem much more unnerving and terrible than the actual facts”. (Chapter 10)

“Then He continued, ‘Much-Afraid, don’t ever allow yourself to begin trying to picture what it will be like.  Believe me, when you get to the places which you dread you will find that they are as different as possible from what you have imagined, just as was the case when you were actually ascending the precipice.  I must warn you that I see your enemies lurking among the trees ahead, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling and agony, where no fear is.'” (Chapter 11)

And so, even though it was contrary to my normal reaction, I chose to hold onto that promise of peace and not let the “what ifs” win.  Different scriptures came to mind regarding peace and that is what I clung to.  And, as promised, that wave of “fear” was replaced by “peace” – a peace that is accurately described as “the peace that passes all understanding”. (Philippians 4:7).  And somewhere – either in a devotion, a sermon, or some other book, I saw/heard: “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in You” Isaiah 26:3 ESV.

So there it was -that faith that bridged the gap between fear and peace.